We spent some time together in college. You were that guy who showed up to all the parties that nobody really invited but once you got there you were nice enough and charming enough so nobody really got that pissed off.
That’s really my entire recollection of you, Ryan.
You were just around. You weren’t terrible you, weren’t the best. You were just there. The weird thing about you, Ryan, is that I’ve always been told that you were a sex symbol. That women love you. Well, the only individuals that I’ve ever met that really had any sense of admiration or attraction towards you have been dudes. Really big, hairy bros. You know the type I’m talking about. The type of man that Frank The Tank from Old School is based on. The person at all the parties who everyone refers to as ‘that guy’. Those are the only people that I’ve ever heard profess undying love for you my friend.
After college we didn’t really talk. We lost touch. We just stopped running in the same social circles. I can’t say that I missed you or that I even really thought about you a lot, Ryan. You really didn’t matter enough to me to even really give a second thought.
And then something really bizarre happened. You started showing up everywhere. I’d turn around and you’d be there. I’d try and go on vacation and you’d be there. I’d attempt to go shopping and you be there. It’s maddening, Ryan. It really is. You’re everywhere. I really don’t understand how it happened. You’re everywhere, all the time.
To add insult to injury it seems like you’ve now become friends with all of my friends. I saw photos on Facebook of you hanging out with my childhood friends Logan and Hal. What gives, dude? What are you doing? Those guys never even liked you. They were completely different from you but now that you’re all popular I guess people just can’t say no.
Well, I’m saying no. I’m saying no right now. I’ve reached my limit. Last weekend you and my buddy Jeff hung out. Well, that’s too much. My buddy Jeff is too good for you. Sure, he’s made some poor decisions over the years. Maybe spent some time with a few people he shouldn’t have but Jeff is a good man. Jeff has a great record. Jeff is the kind of person that you look up to. He’s got all his little ducks in a row. He’s put together. The fact that you are dragging my buddy Jeff down to your level, Ryan isn’t cool. It’s just not. It’s lame. You should know better, Ryan.
The point of this letter is I’m asking you to be an adult, Ryan. I’m asking you to take into account the feelings of others. I’m asking you to be responsible. You need to be responsible. Stop going to every party that you’re invited to. Stop stealing my friends. Maybe you just need to go away for a while.
And keep your fucking shirt on, Ryan.
We get it. You have abs. It’s ridiculous and annoying. Nobody cares, Ryan. Nobody.