Dear Mr Adam Sandler,
You probably don’t remember me. My name is Dave. I sat next you in a restaurant in Tucson, Arizona on Yom Kippur. You were eating breakfast with your wife, mother-in-law, and kids. You seemed like a nice person, who was doing his best to provide for and love his family.
The whole time I was sitting next to you I wanted to tell you something, but couldn’t find the right time. What I wanted to say to you was this:
PLEASE STOP MAKING MOVIES, MR SANDLER.
In the past ten years you’ve made 24 films, Mr Sandler. Two of them have been good. Funny People and Punch Drunk Love. And most people don’t like Funny People. So if you remove the slack I’m giving you, you’re 1 for 24. C’mon, man. Hotel Transylvania? Don’t Mess With The Zohan? 50 First Dates? Click? I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry? C’mon, man. Who are you making movies for? Over weight middle-aged people who live somewhere in Kansas? Don’t you want to make movies that are good? That are genuinely funny? Or that showcase your apparently over-looked, under-used serious dramatic skills? I guess not.
Why are you making these movies, Mr Sandler? Are you making them so that you can put your kids through college? Didn’t Happy Gilmore do that? Are you doing it for a legacy? No, cause these movies are terrible. Are you doing it because you like acting? Probably. But why not George Clooney yourself. Why not take a five minute break, stop doing movies with Kevin James, and really focus on putting out a quality movie. When was the last time Clooney made a shitty movie? Batman & Robin. He did something for the money, it sucked, he learned his lesson, and now he’s not going to do that anymore. AND HE HASN’T.
You really need to re-evaluate your priorities, Mr Sandler. I don’t know if it’s the fact that Funny People failed at the box office or you just like making comfort-movies, but I’d really like to see you in something good. Something that is a passion project for you. Or even if you went about things differently. What if I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry had actually been about gay fire fighters, and the bigotry that they encounter on a daily basis? What if you did more than just show up and collect a pay check, Mr Sandler?
Consider this letter a half ‘Dear John’ and a half intervention. I loved you when I was younger. You were silly, angry, and you said bad words. You were great. Just what I needed at the time. But you haven’t grown with me. I want to still love you, Mr Sandler but I don’t. I REALLY don’t. So, until you sort your shit out I’m going to be over here….away from you…. not watching your shitty movies. I hope that one day we can get back together and have glorious, laugh filled, movie makeup sex.
But from the way you’re going right now, that day looks like it’s decades away.